I Am Not Unreliable, My Asthma Is

Sometimes, I feel very unreliable. I often do not commit to plans because I am afraid I will have to cancel at the last minute due to an asthma attack or the fear of having one. Unfortunately, not committing to or canceling plans strains relationships with friends, family, and coworkers.

But I am not unreliable; my asthma is. Living with unreliable asthma means constantly navigating unpredictability.

Navigating unreliable asthma

Once you decline invitations or cancel at the last minute a few times, you realize you are no longer being invited. I always feel hurt when I am not invited to an event or gathering, especially when pictures of happy people having fun are posted on social media.

When I ask why I was not invited, the answer is always, “Well, I didn’t think you would come," or “You’re always too sick to attend.” I get that.

I recognize that others do not understand what living with unreliable asthma is like, and in their minds, they are somehow “helping” me by not inviting me to something I probably cannot attend. They also don't realize that if I cancel at the last minute, it can impact the event, and any money spent on my attendance is now wasted, such as at a wedding reception.

Unreliable asthma is a reason, not an excuse

I have also been accused of using my asthma and/or other chronic conditions as an excuse. An excuse to call in sick to work. An excuse not to show up because I simply do not feel like it.

I promise you, that’s not the case.

Many people in my life don’t even believe asthma is a real issue for anyone, including me. Why would I use a medical excuse that people don’t think is real? I also have no desire to cry wolf—if I use an asthma attack as an excuse when I’m not having one, no one will believe me when I actually have an attack.

Asthma is my reason for not being as social as I want, not my excuse.

I want to commit to events. I want to attend gatherings. I don’t want to cancel at the last minute and be labeled as unreliable. I am not unreliable; my unreliable asthma is. I never know when or where an attack will strike or how severe my symptoms may be.

Tips for supporting friends with unreliable asthma

If you have someone in your life with asthma, here are some things to consider to keep them included and cared for as they navigate life with chronic illness:

• Always extend the invite - I am capable of deciding if I can or cannot attend. Living with unreliable asthma can be isolating and lonely. I really want to be with my friends, family, and colleagues.
• Don’t take it personally - If I decline an invitation, it’s not you; it's me.
• Be flexible - If I don’t commit right away, it’s because I have no idea how my asthma will be in the near future. Maybe I’m not feeling 100 percent now, and I want to see if I feel better or worse before committing.
• Leaving early is not a reflection on the host or attendees - Again, my disease is unpredictable. The environment is unpredictable. If I come in contact with triggers that cause or worsen symptoms, I’ll need to leave to protect my health.
• Discomfort is never the intention - Sometimes, I decline an invitation or leave early because I’m afraid that if my asthma flares, it will make others uncomfortable. It may ruin the vibe of the event, and I don’t want to be accused of seeking attention or being overdramatic.
• Don’t be angry at a last-minute cancellation - It’s exhausting always having to think about how every place I go may be a maze of triggers. I would love to jump in my car and go with no further thought! If that’s your reality, I hope you understand how lucky you are. Unfortunately, I can’t just go and do things without considering how that activity may send me to the emergency room (ER).

How does unreliable asthma make you feel?

Is it hard for you to remember that you’re not unreliable, but rather that you are dealing with unreliable asthma? Have you been left out of events because others didn’t think you would attend? Share in the comments below.